Tuesday, November 11, 1997
I feel too young to be thinking about the things I should have done, but did not do.
What I feel doesn't seem to matter... my head goes ahead with its own motions and so the thoughts come:
Things I should have done:
- Learned to skate. I am watching Caryn Kadavy skate right now. She's beautiful, and graceful, and has a presence. The audience adores her. The camera adores her. I would have loved to be able to do that. I didn't. I don't think I can now. What little grace I have in motion is a recent thing, and hard-won. I could not have started when I was five or six. I was too busy falling down and running into things. My favorite skater is still Nancy Kerrigan.
- Gone to Berkeley for grad school. Yes, I was happy at UC, but something told me then that I should have gone into a different environment, as sort of a last attempt at changing the piece of me I had the toughest time with: my inclination to get stuck in my ways. I didn't go, and now I have to work hard at breaking out of ruts. Would California have helped? I think so. Regardless of whether it would have or wouldn't have, I believe it would have, and that's that.
- Not dated Seth. I'm not going to talk about that yet.
- Kept my father's old Volvo. It was a wonderful old car, and he loved it, but my mother talked me into giving it up and buying the Honda. Don't get me wrong, I like the Honda, but there was something about that car, a 1962 Volvo that he'd rebuilt once before I was born. I guess it's the connection to him more than the car itself. I remember him in it. I remember him working on it. I remember it, under layers of dust in the garage in Minnesota. Mom talked him into selling it, he offered it to me, she talked me out of taking it. I don't know where it is now. It had a little circle-and-arrow symbol on its nose. A definitely male car.
- Gone to Arizona the time Audrey and her roommate asked me to go. I've never been there, and I don't think I'd go alone.
- Not taken the speed before my GRE. I did fine, but I still wonder what I might have done without it.
- Taken better care of my paper diaries when I moved. I have all but one now, and the one I'm missing was one of my favorites. It was written midway through my junior year in high school and important feelings and events were lost forever with it.
- Been nicer to my mother.
- Slept more. Or less. I can't remember now. I'm too tired.
I wrote some things today. Three different things at the same time. Fargo was out of his mind, trying to chase the mouse and play with the keyboard. I spell-checked everything afterward.
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