I've thought about doing this for a long time. I don't have the best "fashion sense," at least not as that term is used by the fashion industry. I don't follow trends slavishly. I don't accept that what other people tell me will look good, will. I find what suits me, stick with it, and try always to look reasonably good.

With that in mind, I wanted to put up a list of things that perhaps women might want to watch out for, things that have always struck me as awful, problematic, or just plain dumb. You can disagree if you like, but these are the things that jump out at me and always have.

Overall trends

I see a lot of people when I go from client site to client site, and I've seen several general patterns that seem to hold true just about everywhere. The single biggest idea I hold dear is that you should dress the way you are, not the way the model in the magazine is. By this, I mean, if you're a plain person, own up to it. If you're showy and outgoing, don't hide in your clothes. Be complete. Show yourself. If you see a large woman in a spectacular colorful, flowered outfit with a lot of accessories, do you (as I do) assume that that woman is going to be somewhat loud, garrulous? Do you feel a disjoint when she doesn't turn out to be? Clothing is advertising. People try to look good, yes. I think people should also be cohesive and consistent.

Punk fashion was destined always to be a niche. Anything that deliberately makes people look ugly runs counter to all human history. If you're not punk, don't co-opt it. People can and will get the wrong idea.

Less is more. Generally.

Suits

• Be a woman, or be a man, but don't do both! I hate those suits for women that are man-cut. They just look wrong, and silly, and pretentious. All those shoulder pads and straight seams and long edges and pinstripes.

Dresses and skirts

• Slits: if you have a floor-length skirt that's slit almost to your waist, why didn't you just buy a shorter skirt?
• Elastic waists: This goes back to sizing. If you need an all-elastic waistband in your skirt, you should probably consider a little exercise so that your waist is of a consistent -- not necessarily small -- size. I had one of these skirts once and was always vaguely uneasy in it. I always figured some prankster could come and pull it to my ankles and there would be nothing to impede its descent.
• Wrap skirts: I know the exhibitionists among you will disagree, but if you like long wrap-around skirts and you live where I live, you have to get familiar with a new high-tech gadget called a "safety pin" so that when you walk out of the mall or office building you don't accidentally do a Marilyn Monroe thing in the breeze.

Tops

• Sleeveless: make sure the arm-holes in sleeveless tops are high-cut enough that people can't read your bra size through the hole.
• Sheer tops: this is why they make beige bras. And please get plain cups, not lace!
• Shoulder pads in t-shirts: this is so silly I can't even think about it without laughing.

Jeans

• Sizing: please try to size your jeans so that you don't look like you were forced into the jeans with a sausage machine.
• The 1970s look: I hate it all. The big bell-bottom jeans. The polyester tops with big lapels. The clunky shoes made of obviously cheap materials. The big clunky watches and earrings. I grew up in the 1970s, and when it was over, everyone was terribly, terribly ashamed of what they had done. There's a good reason the Marcia Brady look was gone from the scene for nearly twenty years: it always looked stupid and American and tasteless. I look at a lot of it now and it's as if there's a contest: "Look, ma! I can cover my entire body in plastic!" It's as if your subscription to Vogue ran out in 1972 and you never renewed it.

Accessories

• Quiet jewelry, please: if I can hear your earrings, or worse, if I can hear your earrings clank against your necklace, either they're too long or your neck is nonexistent. Why not just pay someone to pull on your earlobe all day?
• Big purses: I carry a tiny purse if I carry one at all. I have no Kleenex in it, I have no paperback romance novels, I have no cans of hairspray. Some women have gigantic purses that bang into others on the bus, and of course they have to search for ten minutes to find the one dime they're certain lurks in the bottom of that inside pouch.
• Perfume: I am going to get people upset at me about this, but in Chicago, many ethnic women seem to have the idea that their perfume is delightful and so wonderful that they should use it in great quantity. Sometimes I wonder who set fire to the Avon lady.

Foundations and lingerie

• Black foundations under light clothes: you look like a hooker. If you have a black or dark blue or maroon bra, please avoid white lacy tops. One side hint, also: if you wear flimy tops and go to clubs which use blacklights, don't use Tide detergent. Your underwear will show up as if it's radioactive. The voice of experience. I now use ERA.
• Too-tight bras that form "double decker" boobs: please size your brassiere in a realistic way. If your upper chest is flabby enough that it bulges over the top of your bra or swimsuit to form a "roll," you should try a different size. Women generally have two breasts, not four. At least, I have two.
• Short skirts and control top pantyhose: I can't even believe some women haven't figured this one out. You know that little band of material at the top of the leg, the one that isn't leg but isn't quite part of the panty, either? I am fairly sure that's there to serve the same purpose as the "warning track" in a baseball outfield. Warning! You are about to disgust onlookers! Pull your skirt down now!! After asking a few men about this over the years, many of them find the sighting of the top of a stocking fairly provocative, fairly sexy. I have never met anyone for whom a glimpse of an industrial-strength control panty served the same purpose. Look, if you must wear a short skirt, wear sheer-to-waist. If you can't do that, wear a longer skirt. But nothing looks tackier than some woman with a tiny mini edging up her thigh, and there's The Warning Track, or even the control top panty itself. Some things were meant to be appreciated for their effect, not their appearance.
• Slips and dark skirts: slips don't cost that much. You really can get them in black, now, honest. A white slip dangling under the hem of a dark skirt looks terrible. At least a black one would be less obvious. And if you have skirts with slits, please get your slip short enough so that it doesn't show up for ten inches in the slit!
• Knee-highs and long skirts: you may think your skirt is long enough to cover the tops of your knee-highs. It isn't. And if the skirt is straight and has a slit, guess what? You look like an old lady. If you really hate pantyhose, go without anything before you resort to knee-highs. They're for slacks. Yuck.
• Thongs: I can't even discuss this, it's so appalling. I heard a man refer to these types of panties or swimsuits as "fanny flossers," and to this day I laugh when I realize a woman is wearing one.

Shoes

• Platform shoes: these have looked pretty silly or even outright stupid every time they've been introduced. In the 1940s, in the 1970s, and even now, they look inelegant and are dangerous. They went out of popularity in the 1970s because women actually broke ankles falling off of them. They just look wrong in almost every possible circumstance. Why not just strap a piece of 2x4 lumber to your foot?
• Cowboy boots in the city: I shouldn't need to explain why this looks wrong. Put it this way: it also looks wrong to wear three-inch pumps on the farm.
• Straps and buckles: One strap with one small buckle, you can look elegant. Two straps still has possibility. Three, and you look like a hooker. More than five and you should print up cards advertising your services as a dominatrix!
• Silver and gold: There are not as many occasions to which you can wear silver or gold pumps as you have been led to believe.

Miscellany

• Spandex: oh, my God, please don't buy Spandex to "trim" any visible part of you. Spandex is there to show off what you already look like, not to make you look like something you aren't through the use of sheer force. Please, leave the Spandex leggings on the rack if you're not prepared to have little children laugh at you.
• Hair color: if your hair is bad in its natural color, coloring it will make it worse, not better. If your hair already looks good, why play with it?
• Perms: perms are in the same class as coloring. If your hair looks terrible, a perm will probably make it look worse. If your hair is that bad, having your sister perm it will almost certainly not help. Pay attention to perm horror stories: they're for real.
• Bad colors: I am not sure why ugly colors have become popular again. I think it ties into the 1970's revival. Come on, all of you: do you honestly think you look good in the same colors which used to grace Ninja Turtle Big Wheels? Calm colors are better than loud colors.