I'm going to sit down and listen to the messages live, right here, while I try to keep a straight face and write tonight's adventure in Jeanneland. When I checked from work this afternoon, there were nine new messages on the system. There are now fifteen. Hang on, here we go.
I should mention that I have a big glass of wine, a laptop and a kitten to assist me.
OK, here we go. First message. From "Dean" who says he's 31, divorced, likes being outdoors, and has a dog that doesn't like cats. He says he "isn't really good at talking into machines," and wants to know how tall I am.
I'm not sure how to figure that. If he's asking, maybe he's really short. I don't usually care about height differences, but some guys apparently have a big problem with not being the taller partner.
Number two. No message. I guess they chickened out at the last minute.
Number three. It sounds like "Terry" is reading from a pad of paper. "I like movies, all animals, quiet candlelight dinners, long walks in the moonlight --"
Come on, does anyone actually say those things? He sounds like he's reading a list of stuff he had done to his car.
Number four. "Francis" is 34, single, never married, works for Cook County, and would "really like to meet me." He says he's never answered an ad before. He leaves his phone number and then leaves his email address at work.
Number five. "Marcus" is 42, says he knows my ad said 38, but he's sure that if I talk to him, I'll see that "age is just a number."
I'm sorry, but I'm feeling petulant. It's my ad, and if I say "38," I mean it. He can place his own ad.
Number six. This is not sounding positive. Number Six is, as far as I can make out, "Hsi-Hsing," and I can barely understand a thing he's saying.
Number seven is "Brian," and he's proud to say he's from Oregon. "I'm Brian, I'm from Oregon..." He likes rock-climbing (why is he in Illinois?) and cross-country. Short description of himself that doesn't sound too strange... this one might be worth calling!
I'll take a break here. I need to refill the glass and empty my head of expectations.
Let's go into the next set. Number eight is... nothing. No message.
Number nine is "Larry" again! What is wrong with this guy? It's always the same thing, this pseudo-Sixties rambling rap, and then he leaves his phone number "just in case it got cut off the last time." Aaaaaack!
Number ten is "Brandon," and while he has a nice voice, he sounds totally vacant. Lackluster. He's going through my ad, answering each line and comment as if he's rebutting some legal case. Oh, OK. He's an attorney. A tax attorney down on the Loop somewhere. He's 33, divorced, and is nice enough to tell me that he's not interested in remarrying. I suppose that's helpful to know.
Number eleven is "Javier," and his accent is at least understandable. Phillipines, I'd guess. He's 30, "just like you!" and would like to have someone show him Chicago. He's here for a year working for some company and doesn't know anyone here. He says he only smokes "a little." I guess I was joking about the non-smoking.
I'm trying hard, really hard, not to just laugh and laugh at some of these men. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but this is just so bad it's comical. How in the world did I get into this?
Number twelve is "Javier" again. I think he meant to erase his original comments and try again, but instead the system saved both. I have to give him some credit for trying, and for making his second response almost a mirror image of the first.
Number thirteen is... I don't know. He's got a decent voice, and his accent sounds like it's not from Chicago, and he's describing himself... 32, 6'1", 195, brown hair, brown eyes, has two cats, and... no apparent name! He leaves a phone number with a suburban area code, and then hangs up! No name! Perhaps it was deliberate. Add the air of mystery?
Number fourteen is "Bill," and he says almost nothing about himself, but mentions that he liked my ad and maybe we can "get together and talk about it." Maybe we can, maybe we can't, "Bill."
Number fifteen is blank.
There's a number sixteen. I've taken so long to listen to these messages that there's another for me. Number Sixteen is "Doug," and he says he's not interested in a serious relationship. Or, apparently, anything at all. His "hobbies" appear to be watching sports and going to work. What a thrill.
All right, I've had enough wine that I think it might be a good idea for you to read the ad that I placed, so that you understand what it is I was looking for, and why I feel like laughing at most of these. Go read that, and then come back here.
I have to say, that guy "Brian" from Oregon sounds possible, and I wish the guy who didn't leave a name had left a name. I'll count both of those as callbacks, but it's far too late to do that tonight and we're having rehearsal tomorrow night. Hopefully by Wednesday some of the written replies (if they exist) will arrive to rescue me from these awful, mumbly voice messages.
You can leave comments in my guestbook if you want to. It helps to know what you all think.